Emotional L_t

Read this today when I was paper-surfing for my thesis topic:

Imagine a heterosexual couple, Tim and Lisa. Tim is socialised as a man and has learned that men are neither supposed to show emotions nor to care a lot about them. Lisa, in turn, is socialised as a woman and has learned that it is her job to take care of the people around her and to be emotionally available. Consequently, Lisa generally initiates the conversation when it comes to talking about feelings in their relationship and makes sure to create a space where Tim feels comfortable. Tim enjoys Lisa’s care and benefits from having conversations about feelings – he realises that the relationship is more honest, more intense and closer as a result and he also finds it therapeutic to talk about his own feelings. He does, however, not think it is his ‘job’ to start the conversation or to try to become more emotionally aware. Feelings, after all, are better left to women. Lisa is annoyed at the lack of reciprocity, but finds it hard to stop providing the emotional labour, as she takes it to be important for the functioning of the relationship. 

When I was told by someone - whom I had worked really hard for - that I shouldn't be in my job because I wasn't good enough, I felt winded and basically stopped talking to him.

When I finally raised it a week later it was because our work relationship was verging on being counterproductive - not because I trusted him to listen anymore. I asked him to consider taking me off any tasks that required me to work with him, given I no longer trusted him and he didn't think I was capable anyway. I said it would be a waste of time for him to pretend he still valued my contribution.

He apologised several times after I told him how it had made me feel - but he didn't have the self-awareness to apologise before I told him how hurtful he'd been. He put it down to the fact that he was very stressed, had very little mental capacity at the moment, was generally insensitive and didn't know how to be empathetic. I accepted his apology but I can't honestly say it was good enough. Sometimes I think his lack of empathy reflects systemic issues that affect many men. That makes me blame him less but also makes me feel more hopeless.

I accept that society is changing its expectations of men and what masculinity means, but that the modern man wasn't necessarily raised to meet those expectations. True men have the courage to show their vulnerabilities and admit their wrongdoings; they seek forgiveness and acceptance; they are able to form intimate relationships and take initiative to maintain those relationships; they reflect on their actions and confront their own feelings; and they consider and even prioritise the feelings of others.

But if you are raised to show no emotion or to not care about them at all, then you won't have the tools to navigate this era and you'll have troubles meeting the new standard. Obviously there are things like #MeToo and rape culture, the gender pay gap etc. that are discussed very publicly and put public expectations on men, but there are also changing dynamics within friendships, families, marriages etc. that mean men are being held to new expectations (usually by women) which affects us all in a very personal way.

Not having emotional awareness not only guarantees you hurt the people that you care about in your life (or arguably you don't know how to care about someone at all), but it also puts yourself at risk of living a very miserable life. If you don't invest in your own happiness (and how can you, if for years you were just told to get on with it and put your feelings aside) then you won't be happy. And while women in the past were socialised to play the role of therapist, confidante, the girlfriend who is the only person allowed to see (and therefore heal) a lifetime of suppressed emotion and insecurity from their male partner, to teach them what it means to have that awareness and empathy etc., those roles should not be played exclusively by females anymore (particularly if females are expected to adopt what were traditionally socialised as masculine traits elsewhere in their life, especially professionally). It is also crippling for men to pile all that emotional labour onto the significant women in their lives.

Sometimes when I have these kind of discussions with Brendan, I sense that what I'm really trying to do is undo 20 years of upbringing. And while I see how men are also victims of the patriarchy (boys and girls are just as sensitive and vulnerable when they start out, it's just that boys have those qualities shamed out of them), it doesn't remove the pain when they do something insensitive and hurtful, and also the hopelessness I feel because there's an expectation to call them out, but I also don't have the energy to do that, while being used again and again as an emotional punching bag.

So that's why I chose to walk away from this particular colleague, who was also a friend. I suppose there were issues specific to our situation, but when I think about it again it really feels like just another story representing a much broader phenomenon.

I invested a lot of emotional energy into the friendship because I knew he was going through a hard time. He dismantled it pretty comprehensively by showing no respect for my feelings. I knew that if I chose to, I could probably focus on the fact that he was just bewildered and had no idea how hurtful his actions were, and didn't intend to make me feel like nothing. I know he isn't necessarily well equipped to deal with these kinds of situations, I think maybe that this helplessness was entrenched from a young age. But then I think of his repeated behaviour, and that maybe he hasn't learned to be more sensitive because all the females in his life took the hit for him. They taught him it was ok when they thought they were only forgiving him. I could feel my sense of self respect rising in revolt - perhaps it is better to cut this person out of my life and hurt him (and myself) one more time, if it means that he will be a better person and if I will respect myself more.

And also because, at the end of the day you teach people how to treat you. It's funny because the number one feedback I consistently get is that I should be more confident and speak up more in meetings. If only being confident was as superficial as just being loud. Then I could engender a sense of security and self-worth just by saying things at a higher volume and more frequently. I can say without a doubt that I've never had to show more confidence, more courage and stand up for myself more in the past year than in any other time in my life. At times it was really hard because I had to learn when it was worth putting myself first and when to stand down but risk preserving an unhappy relationship, be it work or personal.