I wish I was in the clear, but I think it's going to take some time. So thank you everyone for your continuing patience because I know I've drawn a lot of support from all of you recently. I'm not really sure how to repay everyone, but I guess if you ever want me to shout you food or something I would be very happy to.
In some ways, this is probably the biggest lesson of my life and the most emotionally exhausting. I feel like I go through about 10,000 different feelings a day. Those different thoughts and feelings make me feel like I'm losing integrity and I desperately just want to be anchored again. I'm trying to think of the things that have been constant during this period, one of them is obviously Brendan, another is all the amazing friends I have around me who have stuck by me and not judged me - including my parents. Obviously my decision to study and what I want to do in the future has not changed. And I guess the final thing that I haven't wavered on is that despite my mistakes and the hurt I caused and endured, I know my feelings were genuine and my intentions were pure, though my judgment was poor. I've chosen to confront my wrongdoings but at the same time respect my feelings for what they were.
I want to continue being an open person, but I also want to be a wiser one.
I wanted to say that your openness and the way you have handled this and worked through your feelings (as well as your thoughts expressed in this post) are very inspiring for me!
ReplyDeleteI find it pretty hard to be open with my thoughts / feelings as I am extremely afraid of being judged / misunderstood (actually even posting this comment is scary), so to see you doing so, makes me feel like maybe it's something that is possible, and even preferable.
I hope things get better from here on for you :)
Thanks Yi-ling, that means a lot!
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