Two more days left at work! It hasn't really sunk in. I don't think it will until next Monday to be honest, maybe not even then. People are asking me how I feel and I can't really describe it. I'm not happy, or excited. If anything, I'm probably still unhappy. But if the counterfactual were true, i.e. if I wasn't leaving, I know I'd be much much much sadder.
I know that there are people who want me to end my time here positively. But I think I'm at the point where any ending is better than no ending. And the same person who wanted me to have a positive ending also did things to make sure I couldn't.
Of course I know all the people who care about me are telling me not to waste emotional energy on this - this is very sensible, and I will try to do it as soon as I'm able. At the moment I'm still a bit shell-shocked that I put my faith in someone who utterly didn't deserve it. On my end, I can only say it was a horrible error of judgment. I hope I'll never be such an idiot again. Sometimes I wake up remembering the betrayal and a wave of hatred just comes over me; other times I go to bed crying that the things I thought were so precious could be abandoned by other people with so little regard and respect for my feelings.
I have a friend at work who's also going through an incredibly hard time. It just makes me think - how can people be so heartless at work? You work with real people and real people have feelings and have dignity and both those things should be respected. How did people even learn to treat other people so badly?
Anyway, as a thank you to all my friends at work who have supported me during this very difficult period, I baked some mini madeleines this morning and tied them up in little bags for them. Vanilla flavoured and matcha flavoured ones. The ones I shared with the rest of my team went pretty quickly and people seemed to like them a lot - that's a good thing!
hang in there Alice!
ReplyDeleteI think you're being a bit hard on yourself - maybe you did put your faith in a person which ended up being the wrong decision, but I think you made decisions in line with your principles and the information you had at the time, and labelling the decision as idiotic seems harsh to me.
I wonder that too about people being heartless at work - perhaps naively, I tend to assume that there's parts of the picture I'm missing; maybe some people are having a hard time at home or in other aspects of their life that means they can't spare the emotional/mental capacity to empathise with others. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but it does mean I can still feel good about humans :P
best wishes for the rest of your week, not long to go now.