There's only three weeks of uni left and I should be madly editing and re-writing my thesis but honestly who even cares at this point. The weather is lovely outside, I got the job I wanted and I just bought a heap of books to read in my short break before work starts. (Although knowing me I'll probably start reading them during swotvac).
My patience with this 5 km limit is wearing thin. So is my patience with the Premier, but I won't go into that here because then this would become a long ranty post and I'm sure we all have better things to read.
Three weeks of uni left, three weeks for all my lecturers to cram in the last assignment of the semester and then this strange year will be over for me. I read a few of my diary entries from earlier this year when I was going through a much more turbulent period. In some ways my 2020 has been a mourning period for my 2019 which was pandemic-free but was a very distressing and upsetting year for me personally. I still have some happy memories of 2019, but all my emotional energy was being channelled into work and all the piss-poor ways my colleagues and I were being treated, to the extent where I'd come home and just fall asleep without needing to eat.
2020 has been a very good year for me, all things considered, and has put the last few years into perspective. Before 2019 my life was kind of in a lull, I had a very comfortable position at work, my personal life was good and I was studying what I wanted. I was very content and my life was very stable. Then I plunged myself into a different part of the Department with a questionable culture and it was the first time I got involved in politics.
People say workplace politics like it's this dirty, Machiavellian thing to want to be a part of, but if you're forming any relationships at work, if you're taking responsibility for certain things and are trying to steer people to get what you think is the best outcome then you're engaging with the politics. If you're dealing with people, then you're necessarily dealing with egos. That's politics. It doesn't mean you're necessarily playing a game, or that you're being devious, it just means you're trying to influence people whether it's to get the best outcome for work or to bring the best out in them. It's only really devious when you're trying to do it to better yourself at the expense of others.
Before that, I was a heads down busy bee who worked really hard and shared no confidences at work. I was never particularly invested in the wellbeing of any of my colleagues. I was probably nice to work with, and I always got the job done, but I didn't really care about the people around me. If something bad happened to them, I would give them a hug and show some compassion, but move on quickly. I wouldn't think about how a particular incident was a reflection of a broader cultural issue or what part I played in it and whether or not I could change it. There were annoying people who did questionable things that I did not like, but that was just the way they worked. No personal investment means I didn't take offence from anything.
It also meant I only took responsibility for my own bit and I didn't think about things like contributing to team culture or how I can influence it (beyond just planning office parties and such). I wasn't empowered because I didn't empower myself. And that's fine too - we all have a choice about how much we want to invest in our workplace.
But if I ever wanted to be a leader, if I ever wanted to have any influence in my place of work, then I wouldn't achieve that with my head down, trying not to stir up any trouble.
2019 really taught me that. Ultimately I felt compelled to act because I saw things that I disagreed with and conduct that I didn't respect, and I could either choose to let it slide or at least try to live out what I thought was right. So 2019 was a lot of standing up for myself, and eventually standing up for others too. I became much more critical about how my team was being managed, and that also allowed me to become more strategic and sharp in my judgment. It also pushed me outside my comfort zone because I started to care - and get stressed about - a lot of things that managers would. I guess this is what they mean by 'stretch goals' for people transitioning between a senior pleb and a pleb manager.
I had to stand up for myself personally too, and realise that you can't have a relationship with anyone who's using that relationship to fix their own problems.
Compared to that, 2020 has been a proverbial walk in the park, albeit with a mask on and within your 5 km lockdown zone. I'm happy and sometimes surprised with the people I've managed to stay in touch with. Anyway, I had better get back to homework.
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